skinny_dip16

I love reading PostSecret every Sunday.

( PostSecret )

Tonight I've been going through photos of myself saved on my computer from as long as five years ago. I am so much prettier when I am skinny. Some women are beautiful despite being larger, Chloe Agnew from Celtic Woman is an example. She is gorgeous. My roommate is also beautiful and overweight. I am naturally thin, and I look terrible. Any weight gain really shows in my face, I look bloated and gross. Oh, and my pictures remind me of a time when I used to have friends and liked to go out. Now I'm home alone on a Saturday night looking at old photographs because I can't bring myself to shower or show my fat, bloated face/self in public.

I lost the .6 lbs I gained yesterday and I am back down to 103 lbs. I couldn't resist another Alternative Baking Co. cookie (440), and bought a vegan quesadilla (235) with salsa (45) from the cafeteria. 24 Rice Crisps (180) rounded the total to 900 calories! I cycled for an hour and ran for another, so I'm praying that I maintain!

I gained another .6 lbs this morning, after eating another 800 calories. At least I'm consistent? I had 850 calories today, but I also hula-hooped for 50 minutes, cycled for 1 hour, and ran for 45 minutes. So maybe I won't gain?

I know I wrote in my journal last night I wanted to start a three-day fast today, but I realized that was a horrible idea. I would have felt like death by Friday morning, when I have my last exam. I will start the fast on Friday, and it may last one, two, or even three days.

My mom came up tonight to take things home before my dad comes to get me Friday. Long story short I admitted to her I am still cutting. I don't want to cut anymore so I called my best friend after she left and admitted it to her as well. It felt good and she was very understanding.

Well I'm not 102.4 lbs anymore. Nope, I gained .6 lbs. I also ate another 800 calories today. 1 cup High School Musical cereal (110) with 1/2 cup Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze (20), 16 Rice Crisps (120), an Alternative Baking Co. cookie (440), and 1/4 cup dried apricots (110). The dried apricots tasted awful, a complete waste of more than an eighth of the calories I had for the day.

I couldn't exercise today, my thighs hurt so badly from Saturday's run that I can barely walk up and down stairs. Instead I did crunches and an hour of hula-hooping. Didn't exactly break a sweat, but better than nothing!

I still have three more exams but I think I am going to start a three day fast tomorrow. There is a party this Saturday that I would love to wear this sexy corset I bought for Halloween to. The theme is actually Halloween/Robot, random, I know. I have a bit of a muffin top so I really need to lose a little more weight or I'll feel uncomfortable. If the outfit goes well I will definitely post pictures!

My body still hurts. My arm still hurts. My heart hurts less though. Soon I hope to be able to gather my thoughts to explain what happened.

I have been EXACTLY 102.4 lbs for three days. I ate more today in the hopes of restarting my metabolism. It included a cup of High School Musical cereal (110) with a half-cup of Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze (20), a Starbucks venti soy iced cafe latte (170), an Alternative Baking Company cookie (440), and 8 Rice Crisps (60). 800 calories. It took almost an hour to eat the cookie, because it hurt my stomach.

I'm going to be up forever tonight studying for my statistics exam tomorrow.

I am so fucking lonely.

I have been crying for three days.

My head hurts, my body hurts, my arm hurts, my heart hurts.

I ran for an hour tonight. I needed to clear my head.

I'm 102.4 lbs. I don't care.

I can't find the desire to describe my day. The happiness was short-lived. I knew it would be.

Here are pictures of my cuts from last night and one taken today.

( Graphic )

Nothing I have done matters. He broke my heart.

My plan to boost my metabolism worked and I lost .8 lbs this morning. I am now 103.8 lbs. I still feel fat. Everyday I get closer, but I still have a long way to go. I didn't eat today.

That's it, not exciting at all. I am going to study for my exam tomorrow and go to sleep.

Kind of disappointed, this morning I only lost .2 lbs. I didn't eat anything the day before (Monday) and exercised for an hour! So I decided to try and rev up my metabolism and I had two Silk Live! Soy Yogurts (150 each) one for breakfast, and one for lunch. 300 calories today.

If you have a twitter and would like to follow...http://twitter.com/SkinnyDips

<3

So I gained weight over this weekend, no surprise there, but what was a surprise was how much. Only .4 lbs, I'm still below my first goal weight! I thought I gained five pounds after how much I ate and drank Saturday and Sunday!

I surprised myself again today by not eating at all. I even spent the afternoon with A and was positive we would get dinner, or at least ice cream or something. It's not that I wouldn't go to lunch or dinner with him in a heartbeat (obviously I wouldn't eat much), but the last three straight nights we've spent together we have found something else to do, like watch a movie, go to the park or like today he taught me how to play pool! I think he is in love with how tiny I am, which is super inspiring.

I haven't been able to post to my journal because my sister and two of her friends stayed the weekend. On Saturday there was a huge block party on campus where everyone starts drinking early. I was super hungover but I tried anyways. I took one swig and vomited. I suppose I could have ate something beforehand. We eventually made it to Chipotle where I had a Burrito Bol with rice, black beans, lettuce and guacamole (200) It was such a small amount of food I got a major discount. Plus I only ate half. I was able to drink again after that.

All in all it was a blast, but my favorite part was spending the evening with A. We were cuddling on his couch and he said everything I wanted to hear. He told me I was the perfect size, I was fragile, he felt my elbow and exclaimed how tiny it was, he felt my ribs and said he could feel bones there too, but it's not a bad thing. I was so happy I could barely contain myself! Plus, he kissed me!!! *squee*

I wasn't able to weigh myself this morning because of the girls. We got lunch and I had half a tofu scramble (160), 4 potato wedges (55), and 2 slices of whole wheat toast with jelly (235). So Sunday, 450 calories. I'm also going to see A tonight, but I have to find a way around dinner, he wants to cook for me.

I normally post at night but last night I drank way too much. The day before (Friday) I was 106.8 lbs and lost one whole pound! This morning I'm 104.4 lbs! I passed my first goal weight. I'm not very excited because I know I am super dehydrated.

I went to two parties last night. At the first one there was food; frozen pizza, candy and puppy chow, which is my absolute favorite! I am so strong. At the second party I drank, a lot. I threw up but there was nothing in my stomach. Beside a lot of vodka I didn't eat anything yesterday!

Today I'm drinking again, but at like, 3 in the afternoon. I'm going to die.

Happy May Day! I love the first of the month. It's like a mini New Year's.

This morning I was 107.8 lbs. I lost .8 lbs. I tried to keep my fast going, but around 2pm I realized I was going to have to eat something or I wasn't going to make it through Zumba. So I had a cup of High School Musical cereal (110) and a half-cup of Almond Breeze Unsweetened Vanilla (20). After Zumba I went to my friend's house to watch The Office and she had just bought a bag of Trader Joe's Veggie Chips. I love love love Veggie Crisps by Snyder's of Hanover, so I couldn't resist. 26 chips (160 calories). I bought Viactiv at Walgreens today, I really don't want to catch the swine flu so I've been taking vitamin and mineral supplements, and had two (40). They tasted like chocolate Tootsie Roll! Thursday's total, 330 calories. I hope I still lose tomorrow though.

I haven't cut in four days. I've traded one form of self-injury for another.

Today I was 108.6 lbs. .4 lbs lost, not good, but better than nothing. I also didn't eat today which completes day three of my fast. I have no appetite. I'm starting to feel weak and very tired though. I may force myself to eat tomorrow if I don't think I can make it through the day and workout without passing out. I didn't feel great at group spin tonight. I'll wait until I weigh myself in the morning to make a decision.

The more weight I lose the better I feel. Not just because I'm getting thinner, but I wear cuter clothing, I take more time in the morning to do my hair and makeup, and in general have more confidence. I also go out more. I definitely become a hermit when I feel too fat.

A sat next to me in lecture today. I thought he didn't like my new haircut because he didn't say anything, but after class he told me he liked it. I was really worried what he would think about it. I sound like a teenage girl!

109 lbs this morning, down 1.4 lbs since yesterday! I didn't eat either, and I don't feel weak or hungry at all!

I finished Wintergirls. I liked it a lot.

I don't have much else to report so I'll share my stats.

Height: 5'3''
CW: 109 lbs
GW: 90 lbs

I weighed myself this morning. 110.4 lbs. Not bad. I also didn't eat anything today. I'm going to try to fast until Friday. I really think if I don't eat Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday and exercise a ton I can reach my first goal weight (105 lbs) by the first of the month.

On a brighter note (literally) I painted my nails yellow! I was inspired by Miley Cyrus' yellow fingernails in her music video for 'Fly on the Wall'.

I've gotten a lot of compliments on my new hair cut, but A (I'm going Gossip Girl style) hasn't seen it yet.

I'm going to go to bed (it's 10:40pm, I can't remember the last time I was in bed before 1:00am!), I'm so tired.

I went home Saturday morning. It went better than expected. I had a cup of hemp milk (100) with three tablespoons of chocolate milk mix (90) and 10 medium strawberries (40) for a total of 230 calories Saturday. Today (Sunday) I ate a lot but I don't really feel bad about it. I had a tall soy cafe mocha from Starbucks (190), hash browns (170), a piece of toast with strawberry jelly (100), and some strawberries slices with a little bit of sugar for breakfast at my grandmother's with my best friend. I didn't have lunch or dinner but I did snack on a couple strawberries with sugar (135) at my mom's while she dyed my hair and my best friend's hair. So about 595 calories Sunday. I also got my hair cut, really short. I hope the boy I'm interested in likes it, or at least still likes me.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow.

I might cut tonight just because I didn't yesterday.

Day two of fast (well now it's a liquid fast, because I drank like a fish tonight) complete. I don't even want to talk about what happened tonight. I cut. Then I smoked my first cigarette. It tasted like ass. Off to bed.